What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 30.06.2025 17:14
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Im still living with it.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
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On the 31st of Jan this month .
So, i spoilt her more .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
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I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I said to her
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
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Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I don,t even have a pension.
Why do some women squirt and some don't?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i do to all so called friends.?
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
It was going to be , some day.
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Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
But, we were locked up after school.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One cannot live in the past .
Put me off passion for life!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We all went to grammer schools
We were not on the streets..
What did i know ?
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
This is soul school!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I was scared of men, in general
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My life is so biszare .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
And i lived it daily.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
She wouldn,t have been !
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was very sick at this time too.
I will be 64.
All the time i was locked up.
I think the readers, may guess!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Especially a lifetime of it.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I could never make a relationship work though!
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
Who then, do I blame.?
I have no regrets .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
My family never makes their pension either.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
She married twice! .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Ive learnt so much.
When she asked me how she looked .
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was seconnd youngest,
I couldn’t, believe it.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im dying but, im not bitter.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He resisted the act ,that day.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Comes on , in middle age.
He knew the spot.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
She loved him until the end.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I waited trembling.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But it wasn’t much.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And who doesn’t know suffering?